Moves in the History of Gaming

He fulfilled the secret fantasy of every bank manager in history, when one day, he walked in and just took all the money. All the money was 790 billion ISK, about $170,000 in real dollars, which he used to become the greatest video game villain of all time. He spent a huge chunk of the money to buy a ridiculously powerful warship, another chunk posting a huge bounty on his own head, then sailed off into space just daring people to kill him.

Player “Cally” won at EVE Online despite it being a massively multiplayer game with no victory condition. Other players earn ISK (game currency) by mining, completing quests or killing each other. Cally, on the other hand, simply asked for it. And it worked, and there was nothing they could do about it. Because while the other losers went into the economy as honest workers, or corporations, he realized he could go in as a bank.

spent months running the “EVE Intergalactic Bank (EIB).” This offered loans for start-up EVEcorporations and miners who wanted to buy tools, with interest rates and repayment plans and yes, we’re still talking about a game people apparently play for fun.

Unfortunately, TV networks believe their own rubbish about being able to fight hackers in real time instead of just switching the system off and cursing, so she was left at the mercy of armies of cyber-cocks. She teleported out to escape what was rapidly becoming a Japanese cartoon, then revealed that she doesn’t know how virtual worlds work either. Deciding not to return to the now secure CNET studio, she invited everyone into her own home server instead. There are men hopping back into minefields on one leg with better pattern recognition than that. The cockbardment immediately resumed with mind-bending meta-porn of her virtual body attacked by pictures of her real body photoshopped to hold a fake penis.

Second Life is a complete virtual environment that compliments reality by helping people who are no good at the real world voluntarily remove themselves. One of the biggest figures in this world is millionaire Anshe Chung. Real-world teacher Ailin Graef created Anshe as a Second Life avatar, but as the avatar’s virtual business grew she took “Anshe” as a real name and had to start acting like her in interviews. She’s basically a William Gibson character escaped into a real (fake) world.

When their king suddenly burned to death they reacted about as rationally as a combined “video gamer who’s been proven wrong” and a “high-level warlock with access to demons” would by summoning hordes of monsters and massacring everyone at the castle. Without guards, the players were able to fight back, triggering a full-scale virtual riot which ended with admins teleporting entire groups of players into space, where the players survived approximately as well as real people from the Middle Ages would have survived in space.

Richard Garriott invented the MMORPG, and the computer system he invented found a way to kill him, just like ’80s movies warned. Ultima Online was the first MMORPG to hit 100,000 players, teaching developers a lot about social interaction and game economics and what colossal dicks players were about both. Naive programmers spent months coding adventures and monsters only to watch players immediately set about raping and pillaging the game mechanics, the physical laws of their world and each other. If MMORPG players were around when God said, “Let their be light” they’d have called the light gay, and plunged the universe back into darkness by squatting their nutsacks over it.

Proving that the only reason the Internet still exists is because it’s not possible to kill other people through computer screens, most people familiar with WoW culture sort of shrugged, and said, “Yeah, they sort of had it coming.” The targets were holding their funeral on a PvP (Player-versus-Player) server. The victims could have mourned their friend somewhere besides the middle of the battle field, but instead, they mourned a real tragedy to demand special treatment. This was the closest the Internet gets to real war after all, and you don’t see soldiers mourning their dead in the middle of the battle field.

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